Hey there, Purrlings! Today’s PurrTalk is a rough one for me. It’s something that I’ve struggled with most of my life, even with my husband, and I think I want to talk about it because he and I are trying to rekindle what had been disappearing over the last decade or so.
And while I knew it deteriorating, I thought it was okay, that we’d been together long enough that it wouldn’t matter. Because a relationship, a marriage, is more than just sex. And before I go on and you come at me with “But, Val, a relationship is more than just sex!” let me say this: I agree with you. It most certainly is. But sex and physical intimacy are a very important ingredient in a marriage. It’s like trying to make sausage gravy without the sausage and substituting almond milk.
Let me tell you… that shit doesn’t get thick or bubbly and it tastes like ass.
If you haven’t guessed, today’s PurrTalk is about sex and how it ties into emotional intimacy.
So, yeah, first and foremost, fuck menopause. As I got older, my body changed, my libido wasn’t as strong as it once was. Not to mention, I’m falling squarely into the 50% of women who suffer from vaginal atrophy. And let me tell you… that shit is the fucking worst. And I’d given up. My husband didn’t, not for a long time, and when he did, he gave up. Like, he wanted to give me the big D and that isn’t a euphemism for his cock, ladies.
I didn’t want that D, ladies. And after that conversation, I realized I didn’t have to give up on sex altogether. As my husband, whose love language (wouldn’t you know…) is physical touch, said, sex is more important than ever in maintaining emotional closeness with our partners and, for him, without it, he had zero of that with me anymore and was ready to move on.
We know that emotional intimacy is all about feeling connected to your partner on a deep, meaningful level. It’s about sharing your thoughts, your fears, your hopes and dreams with someone who truly understands you. And sex, when done right, can be one of the most intimate experiences two people can share. It’s a physical manifestation of the emotional bond you share with your partner and for my husband, we can multiply that by about 100 (physical touch, remember?).
Now, I’m not saying that you need to have mind-blowing sex every night to maintain emotional intimacy. And for me, sex was painful. It still is, actually, but in talking about it with my husband, we’ve been able to become closer and have sex again. Is it that passionate, bend me over the bed and fuck me until I’m blue in the face sex we had in our 20s and 30s? No, but it’s still sex and physical intimacy.
Until I was offered the big D, I didn’t think sex was a priority, but after being offered the big D, I’ve changed that tune and I know sex should be a priority in most relationships. Even if you’re not in the mood, sometimes just making the effort to be intimate with your partner can go a long way towards strengthening your bond and that’s a wonderful thing, right?
The other thing I’ve found out recently is that I really do love to fantasize. With the pain and other issues I have being post-menopausal, it helped me get back into thinking I was a sexual being, and that’s also why I started writing my erotic shorts. And the husband was like, “Try publishing them. If they turn you on, they’re likely turn someone else on and is that a bad thing? Taking someone to an intimate place and giving them a sexual kick in the ass to take out on their partner?”
And if I can do that for someone, well, that’s a wonderful thing in my opinion. Like, as we get older, we should become more comfortable with our bodies and our desires, know what we like and we shouldn’t be afraid to ask for it. That’s obviously not always the case (looking at you, Dickheads of the Patriarchy), so it’s important that we reclaim that, that we fight to have what we want when it comes sexual intimacy with our partners.
So, my advice to you is this: don’t give up on sex just because you’re getting older, or it’s painful, or you don’t think your partner will understand. Embrace it, not just the sex, but the emotional intimacy that you’ve built over the years by having sex with your partner. Make it a priority in your relationship, and you’ll be amazed at how much closer you feel to your partner and when they offer you the big D, it’ll be the D you want.
I’d be remiss, though, if I didn’t say sex wasn’t the only way to maintain emotional intimacy. By far and away, communication is key, and it’s important to make time for each other doing something other than having sex. But I truly believe that sex can be one of the most powerful tools we have for staying connected to our partners. Now, I’m going to go light some candles, put on some music, break open the bottle of lube (IYKYK).
Make some time for it tonight yourself. You might just be surprised at how much closer you feel afterwards. Trust me, I’ve been there.
Valentine Fox Books 